Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
