I got chris browned last night
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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