Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
