i would punch a child for taco bell
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize