i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
