You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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