I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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