some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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