Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
