he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
