I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
