I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
we should paint friendship bongs
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