i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
