I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
