Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
