Apparently you make a good broom.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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