I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You pole danced in your parka.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Randomize
