When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
