im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I want a musical about memes.
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