She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
