My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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