Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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