John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
