thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
