I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
