Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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