i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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