I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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