There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
