i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize