I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
