I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
