Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize