Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
