i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
