Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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