Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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