I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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