I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
