All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
