My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
