I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
