There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
