I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize