i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
