Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
