I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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