i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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