I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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