dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You're like the curious george of whores
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
