dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize