Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
