My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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