i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
