You can't motorboat a personality
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
