you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
