he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
