It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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